With the world getting smaller but faster, Call Sign's Steve Shaller (R75)
looks at the question of speed...
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Even psychologists have been unable to explain it - this
incredible desire man has for speed, for the ability to go faster in almost
everything he does. Since time immemorial, every invention and all progress has
had speed built into the equation. It has been variously disguised as labour
saving, time efficient or cost effective, but the element of speed has been
omni-present.
Ever since the invention of the wheel, speed has hurtled forward ever faster.
The moving force behind the invention of the wheel was to move - transport -
mass from one point to another. That wheel today not only transports mass, it
does it with exhilarating speed - with the exception of my MK1 Metro cab!
Speed seems to assume a poignant dimension when it comes to
sport - any kind of sport. The four-minute mile is snug in the archives. In
track events, long-standing records are being shattered with monotonous
regularity, while in the recent London Marathon, Paula Radcliffe showed how
much of a speed junkie she is. Even in the Sport of Kings, horses are showing
this ability to run faster. Thanks to Concorde, America is only three and
a half-hours away. And there's Broadband, an Internet service that can deliver
and download our e-mail quicker
The cars of today, driven by the likes of Schumacher, make Formula
1 veterans such as
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Sterling Moss look sluggish; not only are they impressive in looks, but
they are capable of speeds in excess of 200 mph. Fairways, the TX1 and TX2 are
capable of belting down the motorways with ease, derisory comparisons like
"milk floats" went out of fashion with the 2.2s. To-day's cab drivers
can take on many a flashy motorist.
The mundane washing machine has a more impressive price tag if it spins faster,
while manufacturers of frozen food will tell you that their food cooks in only
30 seconds in a microwave. Then there is the new cult in eating referred
to as fast food. Nutritionists will frown, but the consumer is in a hurry.
Go to the disco and the pushers have something to offer you;
speed! Pills they claim guarantee to make you go so fast, you'll do your brains
in - always assuming you have some!
I do not have personal experience of this, but I have it on good
authority that the prostitutes in Hamburg are speed orientated. "Schell
machen,"and "Zeit is geld"are constant exhortations (or is that
exwhoretations) they give their clients! Mind you, I would have thought
fast-forward would make more compatible encouragement whatever the German
translation.
The Quickest Way Ho Min...
I went to the doctor's surgery the other day when who do I find sitting in the
corner looking morose and forlorn, but Ho Min. Ho is a Mandarin Chinese cabby
and one lovely guy. I do recall the conversation we had that day.
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"How's it going Ho?" I asked
him. "You're not looking your usual chirpy self".
"Steve," he said, "I have a ploblem; it's my
wife."
"Oh, well, I think we all have that problem. As I recall
it, even Adam had that problem. What's it all about?"
"She want me to speed up," he says.
"You mean buy a faster cab?"
"No! No! you irriot," he said as he moved closer to
save shouting, "when we make love she want me to hully up. She say I
too slow."
"And how does she know that, do you have a speed camera in
your bedroom?"
Ho ignored that crack.
"You don't unne'stan' Steve, she say when I take too long,
it upset her."
Well, now, what can I say to that, I asked myself. Maybe his
wife is from Hamburg!
"What you here for," Ho asked me?
"For some medicine to speed things up?" I replied.
Ho chuckles to himself. "Ah! You also want blue pill to
make you go faster".
"No! Ho, I want green pill to make me go faster, it can be
a bind being constipated!"
Steve Shaller (R75)
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