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Fed up with the stupidity that surrounds our daily lives? Join Chas
Kissin (P99J) as he struggles to make sense of the nonsensical - and all
from the front of his TX1...
Solving a Sticky Problem?
A new ministry formed by El Prez Tony, is 'quality for life' headed by
another new name,
Alun Mitchell. He has brought out a ninety-page document outlining how we
can improve our lives, and yes, more fines for outlandish behaviour.
Throwing chewing gum onto the pavement could now get you a £50 on-the-spot
fine, given to you possibly by a refuse collector - dustman to the older
reader! My refuse men often refuse to collect my rubbish, preferring to drop
it all over the street instead of depositing it into the bin. Would it be
possible for me to fine them? To regulate this and other absurd new laws,
will there be more invisible police from the same unit as the mobile in-car
phone user and bus lane abuser? The day after this was announced, Downing
Street did an about turn and scrapped it. I wonder why...?
The REAL Royals...?
With yet more daily "exclusive" outpourings regarding the
collapsed Paul Burrell trial, revelations about the goings on between
hierarchy and workers, I wonder just how many Queens are there in this
household? To my way of thinking, the Windsors and the Spencers are more
dysfunctional than the Simpsons! Can we look forward to a future King Bart?
It puts a whole new meaning to the phrase: "EAT MY SHORTS...!"
Olympic Games Venue
London has now seen fit to enter the race for the 2012 Olympics. After the
Wembley debacle - still no nearer to starting let alone finishing - just
where will the games be held? Maybe they could liven things up with
some
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Politically
Incorrect
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new innovative games? Perhaps Buck House could be used for pass the parcel,
Downing St could well be the venue for foot in mouth, while the House of
Commons could easily accommodate the hot air balloon challenge. With the
expanse of water known as the English Channel, perhaps we could have
synchronised smuggling - be it alchahol, tobacco or even asylum seeking?
What about hunt the stadium? My only hope is that the roadworks are finished
and that the traffic lights are put back to normal or else the summer games
could well go on into the winter. Maybe we could even utilise our red and
white traffic friends by playing toss the cone!
Queen's Speech
Two opposites in the Queen's speech - ok what Tone wants to do. Pubs may
stay open
for the full twenty-four hour day and a clampdown on the yob culture and
drunkenness that it
produces. Now that is a real catch 22 situation. Pouring it down your
throat? No problem,
but urinating in the street because the toilets are closed and locked up?
You're nicked squire. A
definite lose lose conundrum....
Nash's Numbers Or Kissin's Kounting!
Being an admirer of Nash's Numbers but not wishing to detract from the good
information that he imparts, I enclose some of my own. With the help of the
on-board data
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computer and using the clock in the top left hand corner, I have managed to
time several
sequences of the traffic light phasing that the Mayor says that he has not
altered.
Location green time red time
London Bridge Station (southbound) 5 secs 1 min 30 secs
Victoria Emb (to Parliament Sq) 20 secs 1 min 20 secs
The Mall (to Trafalgar Sq) 8 secs 1 min 20 secs
Albert Embankment (at Vauxhall) 15secs 1 min 15 secs
Piccadilly (at the Circus) 14 secs 1 min
St James St (into Piccadilly) 8 secs with another red light by Bond Street.
Piccadilly (into Duke St) 12 secs 1 min 15secs
When the congestion tax comes in, for that is what it is,
let us hope that Red Ken turns green.
What I still cannot figure out is that if all the commuters
coming into London now still come in after paying the £5 levy, will the
congestion disappear? What if every one refuses to pay the tax, but still
comes into his congestion zone just the same, will his computer crash? Just
remember to smile please as you will be on "KEN'S KANDID KAMERA"
Lastly, to whomever you pray, may I take this opportunity
to wish you all Seasons Greetings and Happy Holidays...
Chas Kissin (P99J)
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