Ex-DaC driver Bob Woodford writes a regular column for Call Sign from his new home at Languedoc in France…

DIAL-A-CAB EN LA BELLE FRANCE

The hot weather here on the Mediterranean coastal plain is relentless! Day after day of searing hot sunshine with no sign of any let up. Makes you feel like wanting to return briefly to 'Livingstone's London' for a spell in the saddle….. only joking people!
   There are various ways of escaping from the heat though: We have 100 kilometres of coastline here in the Department of Herault (Department being the French equivalent of a county in England). That long sandy coastline provides the refreshing Mediterranean Sea
for relaxation.
   Another way of cooling off is to head for the Mountains just 30 minutes in the other direction. The microclimate up in the gorge provides rock pools that are safe enough to dive into, while further down in the Orb Valley you can hire a canoe for the day on still

waters. Fishing is yet another
option; we are blessed with many lakes in the region, just put a sign up 'gone fishing'.
   Herault is still relatively undiscovered, so these places described never really get too touristy. If you would like me to send you some info leaflets regarding any of the above, drop me a line to robert.woodford@tiscali.fr  and I'll send it by post. If you aren’t on the Internet, ask Monsieur l’Editor and he’ll get them from me for you.
  My favourite way of cooling off is having a splash in someone's

swimming pool. My recently
formed Property Management
Company has started to take on the task of looking after people’s Holiday Homes - including maintaining their pools! I never knew the first thing about hoovering a pool or adjusting chlorine levels, but I made sure I learnt quickly! What a way to relax in the Mediterranean sun! I still remember shivering in Brockwell Park Lido all those years ago!
We have 300 days of sunshine down here each year so the winters can be really pleasant. I've just struck a deal with an owner of a luxury Villa with swimming pool to make his property available during the low season between October & March for only £395 per week, drop me a line by email or call me on 0033 683 301 310 if you fancy a break from 'Livingstone's London'.

Au revoir for now…
Bob Woodford (Ex-P49)
Fed up with the stupidity that surrounds our daily lives? Join Chas Kissin (P99J) as he struggles to make sense of the nonsensical – and all from the front of his TXII…

POLITICALLY INCORRECT

The Law Is An Ass (1)
It would seem that if you are a judge - and therefore one who assumedly knows the law - there is now one law for judges and another for us. There was the recent case of the Crown Court judge who had accumulated child porn on his computer, yet was allowed to walk free from court by another judge. He was given community rehabilitation (whatever that is), placed on the sex offender’s register and had to pay £55 costs. Although retiring on ‘ill health’ just prior to the case, he will still be allowed to call himself ‘His Honour’ as well as receiving his full pension of £33K per year, plus a lump sum of almost £75K. Although claiming to have no interest in children of either sex, he admitted: "There may have been subconscious forces at play." Don’t tell me he pleaded guilty to save the public money - he pleaded guilty because that’s exactly what he was.

The Law Is An Ass (2)
Call me a cynic, doom and gloom merchant or even a Victor Meldrew-in-waiting, but I still cannot believe that judges are of this or any other planet. Remember the case of the Afghan hijackers at Stansted? Initially, the Home Secretary of the time, Jack (man of) Straw, said that they would be sent home at the earliest possible time. It seems that the men of the judiciary still don’t think that the time has come because Afghanistan "is still not stable enough."
   So why did we bomb the hell out of the country and get rid of the Taliban? Just when will it be safe for these people to go home? So far they have cost we taxpayers millions in housing benefits, not to mention the legal aid they have quickly learned to use. They are not allowed to work, so contribute nothing to the economy and are just another drop in the drain on our reserves. In the meantime, care homes for the elderly are closing daily because of the lack of government funding…

Chas Kissin
Chas Kissin

Monumental Folly
First came the Dome, a vision of the future that nobody came to see. Next was the ‘wobbly bridge’, another slice of one man’s vanity as a memorial to himself. Now we have the Diana paddling pool, closed almost as soon as it opened because children were paddling in it and slipping over - not to mention dogs using it for you-know-whats! Did the designer not think that on a hot day in the park, a water fountain-come-paddling pool would not be used for that purpose? Fancy building it close to trees where leaves would obviously fall into it, clogging up the drains and falling onto the grass verge making it slippery under foot - possibly causing little ones to fall over and hurt themselves. It’s opening again as I write, but bet on it that it will be ringed off so that the public can no longer use it, but just stare in amazement at yet another designers monument to themselves. Even now, how long before it is filled with disused tin cans and supermarket trolleys…?

Chas Kissin (P99J)


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