SMILE FOR THE DAY

SLEEP OR AWAKE?
Two married friends were out drinking one night when one turned to the other and said:
   "You know Mike, I just don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Then I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs and get undressed in the bathroom so as not to make a noise. Then I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
   His friend looked at him and told him that he was obviously taking the wrong approach...
"I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the cupboard, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's back and say 'feeling fruity, darling?' ....and she's always sound asleep...!"

HEAVEN WAITING
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience and saw St Peter waiting at the gates of Heaven. Concerned, the woman asked St Peter if this was it. Was she dead?
   "No" said St Peter, you have another 30 or 40 years to live."
   She slowly recovered and decided to stay in the hospital and have some private surgery as she now has so much time left on Earth.
   "After all" she thinks, "I might as well make the most of all this time I have left!"
   So she signed up for a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck. Following the successful ops, she went to the hospital hairdressers and had her hair dyed blonde.
   Finally she was ready to leave the hospital. She walked out of the hospital looking great and immediately got hit by an ambulance.
   She arrived back in front of St Peter and, very upset, said that he had told her that she had another 30 to 40 years left.
   St Peter looked at her:
   "Sorry" said the Angel, "I didn't recognise you..."